“I almost regret getting pregnant, I know our pregnancy was un planned however I just wish we were more careful” I said to Aiden with tears streaming down my face whilst I sat and watched him change Zephaniah. We then discussed me leaving, Aiden asked me if I wanted to leave him and Zephaniah for a while so I could get myself together and he would hold down the fort and ultimately be a single dad. I didn’t want to leave but I knew things had to change as I was sinking and the water was quickly drowning me and it wasn’t fair on him to listen to his fiancée say things like she regretted having his baby.
I thought a mother and daughter bond would of been formed right away and that I would be so in love with my baby and miss her every second I was away from her, however this was far from the fact. I felt so guilty that I didn’t have this instant connection, I would sit on the bed and just cry, I would cry a lot as I felt like the worst mother for not being so “in love” with this tiny human that I just birthed.
I felt so up and down, some days I would just be in a funk, I would snap at Aiden, I would want to leave him and Zephaniah at home and go get a coffee, I would want to get up in the morning when my alarm went off, put on my makeup and go back to work. I felt like being a mum gave me no purpose but to wait on hand and foot for a cute human that didn’t do much but whinged when she was hungry and grunt when she did a shit.
I seen mums posting all over social media how much they were obsessed with their new babies and so in love and missed them every second of the day and I felt so awful because I couldn’t relate.
I had always been such a routine person before having Zephaniah. I would wakeup, go for a walk, then train, eat breakfast, go for a shower, do my makeup and go to work. I loved my routine as it was predictable and when I had Zephaniah I threw my routine out of the window as there is no predictability when you have a newborn and there certainly is no routine.
The reason why I almost regretted being pregnant was the fact that Zephaniah was now our child forever, wherever she is in the world I will always be worried about her safety, wherever we go there will always be a plus one, there will always be extra planning involved when going out. These things were so daunting when I ran these thoughts through my head, we went from a couple to now a family and it was hard for me to accept.
The fact that I was house bound from my surgery didn’t help with my independents as I am an independent woman, once I make a decision I must carry through, so when I was hell bent on going out to get a coffee or wanting to get my hair done I couldn’t just get in my car and do these things, I had to rely on two other people, one to look after Zephaniah and another to drive me.
The first time I went out by myself without Zephaniah I enjoyed every moment, I didn’t want to go home, I just wanted to keep shopping and sipping my coffee and of course these feelings made me feel even worst.
I have previously suffered severely from depression and I did think that I was going through Post Natal Depression so when I went for my 6 week check up with my doctor I consulted him about these feelings as well as my midwife. I was tested and I was boarder line PND however my midwife did explain to me that these feelings are normal and they are in fact apart of the “baby blues” that 90% of woman go through. She re assured me she felt the same things when she had her two babies previously and it is totally normal and the more I beat myself up about these feelings the more down I will get and it wont help with my depression.
Now that I had clearance to drive I booked my weeks in advance of trips that Zephaniah and I could do together, we visited friends, we visited family, we went of lunch dates, coffee dates, we went shopping together, we visited my work colleagues. I made myself busy and it honestly helped knock me out of the baby blues that I was in. I took control of my emotions and my actions, I started lifting again, I started cleaning, doing my washing, I downloaded new tv shows for the days when I wanted to be a couch potato.
I also focused on Zephaniah’s development and how I could encourage her to learn new things, I would roll her over and show her how to roll, I set up a circuit for her to play with and when she started to whinge and become bored I would move her around the room to another station.
I remember one morning I woke up and looked in the bassinet at Zephaniah and I felt this other area of my heart open up and fill with so much warmth and love, it was like this part of my heart had purely been dedicated to loving a human that I created. This love I felt was for no one else but her, I felt like I would do anything for her, she would always be loved and cared for and I would always put her first above all. It took me maybe 8 weeks to form a strong bond with my daughter and 13 weeks to actually cry for the first time when I dropped her off to my mum whilst I went out and 14 weeks to miss her like crazy when I ran some errands.
I wanted to write this blog to express to all my mummys and mummys to be out there that these feelings are totally normal, however don’t let them get the better of you. Speak out about your feelings, write down a plan of attack on how you can get out of this funk, ask for help, do the things you love. You are not alone.